Ego and New Resolution

well, dah lama ga posting, bukannya lg sibuk atau apa (tp emg rada2 sibuk jg sih) tp lg banyak pikiran jg....

ya, ada satu masalah yg gw pikirin selama ini en ini menyangkut banyak hal, mulai dr masa depan keluarga gw, adik2 gw, en nasib gw sendiri....

masalah ini bersumber dr ayah gw yg dah ngilang ampir 4 taun tanpa kabar sedikitpun, sampai gw yg mesti nyari dia kemana-mana, padahal dia yg mestinya ngasih nafkah ke kt en ngejaga kt, bukanya selingkuh en nikah lagi ma cewe laen ampe kt dianggap ga ada...

emg gw punya banyak kenangan buruk ma keluarga gw,,mulai dr siksaan fisik en mental sejak kecil ampe bekas lukanya jg msh nyisa di badan gw ampe skrg, ga pernah dianggap, ga pernah diajarin yg namanya tata krama atau etika,aahhh banyak deh....

mungkin banyak org yg bakal kesel en dendam klo dah diperlakuin ky gt,,ya, gw salah satunya, sampai pada suatu waktu gw ngeliat keadaan diri gw en sekitar gw...

mulai dr adik2 gw yg ga mengenal sosok ayah dlm hidupnya, meskipun gw berusaha sekeras apapun gw sebagai seorang kakak ga bakal bisa ngeggantiin peran jd seorang ayah di mata mereka, wkt ngeliat keluarga temen2 gw yg laen yg keliatannya akur, tentram, penuh dengan canda tawa, itu semua bikin hati gw sakit plus iri ma mereka, kenapa gw ga punya keluarga ky gt? apa salah gw?

mungkin gw emang egois en berbohong ma diri gw sendiri, gw nyari ayah gw selama ini cm bwt adik2 gw en ibu gw, tp nyatanya, dr gw sendiri jg punya rasa akan kebutuhan dr seorang ayah, gw pegen ngerasain gmn hangatnya kasih sayang orang tua, hangatnya keluarga, en banyak lagi,,,meskipun gw emg ga mungkirin klo emg yg jd prioritas utama gw bwt nyari ayah gw bwt adik2 gw....tp ya...well, let's just hope......

gw erus nyari keberadaan ayah gw sampai pergi ke berbagai tempat, ngumpulin info, minta bantuan ke org laen, nanya2 ke temen2 lamanya dia,,sampai beberapa bulan yg lalu gw dpt telepon dr ayah gw bwt nemuin dia di Al-Furqon, gw yg panik + kaget cm bisa lari kesana tanapa bisa mikir apa yg bakal gw lakuin en apa motif dia nyari2 gw sekarang,,en setelah gw ketemu, dia malah minta bantuan ke gw bwt ngelancarin usahanya tanpa ngejelasin kenapa dia ngilang selama 4 tahun ini tanpa kabar ke gw,,gw yg mungkin dah kesel en ga bisa mikir sehat lgsg gw tolak en bahkan gw hampir balik ky dulu lg,, masang muka tanpa belas kasihan + omongan2 gw yg tajem trus keluar dr mulut gw....dengan balasan sebuah pukulan yg bener2 keras di ulu hati gw (mungkin gara2 gw dah lama bgt ga ngerasain pukulan dia)....tulang gw yg retak nambah lg deh.....

abis kejadian itu, ga ada kabar lg dr dia, en gw msh terus nyari tempat dia tinggal dmn,,,sampai suatu wkt gw akhirnya dpt alamat dia,,tp br sebatas itu, bwt nemuin dia gw msh belum siap,,soalnya gw tkt ky wkt itu lg,,jd gw mesti nyusun hati gw spy jelas apa yg bakal gw lakuin klo gw ketemu dia ntar...

bwt ni gw berusaha nyampingin smua faktor2 eksternal ky adik2 gw en keluarga gw, gw cm pengen tau apa yg sebenernya gw pengen selama ini dr dia...banyak suara di hati gw, ada yg mau ngebunuh dia (jujur, ada keinginan gw bwt ky gt)mungkin karena trauma masa lalu yg msh kerasa ampe skrg, ada jg pengen ngemaafin dia, ada jg pengen lepas tangan ma smua masalah dia, ada jg pengen nanya ke dia knp dia selama ini ninggalin kt smua tanpa kabar. gw berpikir keras tp tetep ga bisa mutusin apa yg mesti gw lakuin....

dah shalat istiharah ga dpt jawaban jg,,,akhirnya gw mutusin pake cara biasa, "when you stuck in something, decide it with card or coin"...wkt itu gw pake kartu tarot bwt mutusin hal ini......setelah beberapa lama kartu yg kluar dr shuffle gw ternyata The Judgment, simbol dr resolution, forgiveness, new hope, and accept the past mistake,,,abis itu gw sadar klo selama ini gw dibutain ma ego gw sendiri yg cm pengen balas dendam tp ga mikirin apa yg terbaik bwt org lain en kedepannya,,,en gw mutusin gw akan maafin dia nanti......

2 Agustus, mungkin tanggal itu akan jd "spark" bwt masa depan yg akan gw tempuh selanjutnya,,skrg gw cm bisa berharap, mantepin resolusi baru gw, en prepare for the worst outcome.......

Another Persona has Born......but Why and When?

okay, seperti judulnya, ada "another self" yg lahir baru2 ini....

bwt yg ga tau atau masih belum tau..gw punya "alter-ego" atau kepribadian ganda,,sadar atau tidak mereka pernah muncul di antara kalian selama ini..

ok,,bwt "dia" yg baru ini gw bingung kapan lahir, kenapa, en representative dr apa yg ada di diri gw.....

org pertama yg tau "dia" ini agung..yg gw inget gw tidur dr jam stgh 7 gara2 kecapean td subuhnya dah masak+ngepel+nyuci...kompie emg gw sengaja nyalain biar ntar pas bangun tinggal liat2 update....
ini log "gw" ma agung wkt itu,,, soalnya gw sendiri gw tau apa yg terjadi wkt itu...

gunk xi: Agung
Akira Genkaku: gw

gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:08:04 AM): Mau ke kampus jam brp??
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:08:28 AM): lu mo ke kmps gung???gw ga ada urusan lg.....
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:08:38 AM): lu cm mau bayar doang kan??
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:10:11 AM): Iya cuma bayar trus buat spanduk
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:10:26 AM): lu bener2 mau dikerjain ma nak2 miba ya....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:10:28 AM): Jd lo ga kan k kmpus?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:10:33 AM): gw mah ogah dikerjain ky gt.....
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:10:43 AM): ga akan kynya.....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:11:29 AM): Kasian sy,gw cm bntu bkn spanduk
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:11:47 AM): even so,,well,that's kind of you....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:12:27 AM): Yap.
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:14:59 AM): What's wrong with you sy?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:15:11 AM): hmm??apanya??
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:16:31 AM): Entah ya..tampak..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:16:58 AM): hahahaha,,don't worry..it's nothing....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:18:05 AM): Really? Are you Arsy?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:18:25 AM): what do you mean??
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:20:29 AM): Forget it.
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:20:44 AM): .....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:24:33 AM): Ktany kmrn lo mau cerita?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:24:50 AM): ah..iya..ntar aja deh. sorry.....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:28:15 AM): Oh call me again when Arsy back..ok..tell him right ?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:28:41 AM): Arsy??that man already dead long ago......
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:29:14 AM): So who are you?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:29:20 AM): i'm me
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:30:11 AM): Please introducing yourself..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:30:32 AM): Soshyant....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:32:31 AM): I never heard you before..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:33:11 AM): really? but somehow i feel we know each other for a fairly long time.....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:34:55 AM): Oh ya? Gw kok ngerasa asing..kpan kta knalan ya?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:35:18 AM): i don't know either. it just i feel that...
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:36:12 AM): Can you describe yourself.. ?
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:36:31 AM): Maybe I remember
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:37:20 AM): describe? there is nothing i can tell exactly what happened to me....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:37:46 AM): And then?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:39:51 AM): i don't know about myself. it just i feel like i'm still an infant with no knowledge about anything
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:40:38 AM): I get it..maybe you're the new one..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:40:57 AM): new one? what do you mean?
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:45:05 AM): Nothing forget it.. I want talk with arsy please
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:45:42 AM): Arsy? that man already dead long ago.
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:46:01 AM): well, i'm sleepy now, see ya.
gunk xi (7/7/2009 8:59:34 AM): Tes..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 8:59:40 AM): oi...
gunk xi (7/7/2009 9:00:01 AM): Uda balik lg?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 9:00:11 AM): hah? maksudnya??
gunk xi (7/7/2009 9:00:46 AM): Cek deh chat sblum nya..show recent..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 9:00:53 AM): ntar..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 9:03:17 AM): Soshyant ya....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 9:03:37 AM): Kok bru dger gw ya?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 9:03:55 AM): gw jg....
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 9:04:03 AM): kapan lahirnya ya.....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 9:04:12 AM): Baru lagi?
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 9:04:22 AM): dunno,,,kynya sih gt....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 9:06:23 AM): Lo terlalu neken dri sy..tnpa mau melibatkan org lain..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 9:06:57 AM): kynya sih...tp gw cm ga mau org lain terlibat masalah gw doang....
gunk xi (7/7/2009 9:07:57 AM): Tp kan kalo gitu trus..bkan ga mgkn mncul terus tkoh bru..
Akira Genkaku (7/7/2009 9:08:33 AM): yg baru ya......kyny gw terlalu maksain diri lg ampe ga meratiin diri sendiri lg.....

Soshyant...another member of this cursed destiny of mine.....kenapa dia lahir en bagian dr apa? gw jg blum tau....tp ngeliat dr bicaranya dia keliatannya dia br lahir.....

well,,emg bener akihr2 ini gw ga bisa ngendaliin diri gw, banyak hal2 yg mesti gw pikirin en keras kepala gw muncul lg,,"ga mau ngelibatin org di sekitar gw dlm masalah gw"....mungkin disana gw salahnya....

well, mulai dr "vision" yg gw liat akhir2 ini,,dimana gw liat gw kehilangan orang yg berharga buat gw lagi,,untuk yg ketiga kalinya,,,kalaupun itu terjadi gw ragu bakal bisa bangkit lagi atau ngga,,,apa yg dah gw dpt en semua resolusi gw selama ini berarti sia2 belaka.....

trus, mimpi agung yg ktnya dia mimpi gw terus berubah2 ampe ngamuk en ga bisa dikendaliin,,,gw mikir klo itu bisa kejadian ma gw,,mengingat kondisi gw sekarang ini...

en,,obat gw yg dah habis,,,gejala "kutukan" yg makin kuat bikin gw nambahin dosis obat gw yg akhirnya bikin obat gw abis sebelum waktunya,,and because of that,,,i can't control myself.....

trus jg,,,mungkin karena gw yg telat nge-sync ma perpindahan fase kemarin,,makanya tubuh gw blum siap ma lingkungan yg baru...

it just,, when i can get full control over this body,,right now i can barely move this broken body,,but it seems that this body will crumble anytime....


Arsy...yah...emg bener kata dia klo orang itu dah mati sejak dulu...sejak Legarm lahir,,atau mungkin sejak Jowy meninggal Arsy juga meninggal,,sekarang nama Arsy itu hanyalah sebuah label untuk tubuh ini,,,,


Need new drive, support, and new soul with it's body to overcome this trial.....

"Song"

Song....it really a mysterious thing......

dia dapat membangkitkan memory2 yang sudah terkubur di lautan jiwa kita....
dia dapat merubah keadaan seseorang.....
dia dapat menyatukan orang2 yang berbeda.....
dia dapat meluluhkan hati seseorang yang telah membatu....
dia dapat menyembuhkan baik hati dan tubuh orang2.....
dia bahkan dapat diubah menjadi sihir....
dia bahkan dapat digunakan untuk "summoning".....

for my case,,lagu itu bisa ngebantu gw bwt ngendaliin diri gw en ngontrol "persona" gw bwt muncul,,,so, jangan aneh klo gw suka bawa2 headphone ma MP3 kemana-mana....

en do you know? di zaman dulu lagu itu dipake bwt summoning ma sihir lo...sama ky di Ar Tonelico series gt.....tp bukan sihir2 tipe hitam gt,,,lebih bwt nyembuhin orang.....en ktnya kt ga butuh lirik dari lagu itu bwt summongin atau sihir itu..cukup paham akan makna dan bisa merasakan "jiwa" dari lagu itu.......

"Different? or Unique?"

"Being different doesn`t mean you're useful, that difference will bring you eternal despair. But, if you can surpass that feeling, you`ll find your purpose in this plane of existence"

menjadi seorang manusia biasa yang memiliki kehidupan selayaknya manusia, manja di waktu kecil, yearn for parent's love, bermain tanpa memikirkan masalah hidup, pulang bermain disambut dengan omelan orangtua, makan masakan buatan ibu, curhat dengan orang tua tentang berbagai hal,,,betapa aku menginginkan hal-hal itu...

"dunia ini tak adil",,itulah kata-kata yang selalu bergema di kepalaku selama ini. ketika seorang anak bermain bersama keluarganya menghabiskan hari minggu, anak lainnya di luar sana terus bekerja dengan keringat bercucuran sepanjang hari di jalanan demi membantu orang tuanya,,seorang anak yang diberi semua keinginan yang dia inginkan mulai dari kasih sayang, benda-benda yang dia inginkan, dan sebagainya, di lain tempat, seorang anak yang terus menahan keinginannya karena tidak ada yang mau mendengarkannya dan juga karena perhatian orang tua yang tidak tertuju padanya.

Berbeda atau unik atau apalah kata orang-orang, bagi sebagian orang mungkin menginginkan menjadi satu sosok yang berbeda dari orang lain pada umumnya, mempunyai kelebihan dan menjadi unik karena hanya dialah yang memiliki perbedaan itu, akan tetapi, perbedaan itu tidak selamanya mendatangkan kebahagiaan. perbedaan itu serigkali membawa kita dalam jurang kesendirian, dianggap berbeda tidak selalu dikatakan unik, dianggap berbeda bisa juga dianggap sebagai kutukan, monster, penyihir atau sebagainya..

hanya karena kita berbeda apakah hanya karena itu orang lain boleh menyingkirkan kita? membuang kita selayaknya seorang sampah? mungkin keadaan, waktu dan tempat, dan mungkin juga takdir yang membuat seperti itu....

jika Benjamin Button memiliki perbedaan tubuh tua dengan jiwa yang muda, maka aku adalah kebalikannya dan juga lebih dari itu. menjadi seorang Indigo yang menurut orang lain adalah suatu berkah, tapi tida menurutku,,"berkah" ini menjadi sebuah "kutukan" bagiku,,kehilangan kasih sayang, kehilangan orang-orangyang berharga bagiku,, itu semua gara-gara "kutukan" ini,, aku ini bagaikan malapetaka bagi orang-orang di sekitarku...

"kami" yang sebenarnya bertugas untuk merubah tatanan dunia ini menjadi lebih baik, membimbing manusia untuk mengembangkan "potensial" mereka, dan juga sebagai penyambut kedatangan "mereka" yang telah hadir saat ini meskipun baru sedikit, tapi cepat ataupun lambat seluruh manusia pun akan menjadi seperti "kami" dan "mereka"

memiliki kekuatan tidaklah selalu menjadi hal yang menyenangkan, semakin besar kekuatan itu, maka semakin besar pula tanggung jawab yang harus dipikul,,beban mental, tubuh yang semakin cepat rusak, pikiran yang sering kali bercabang, organ-organ dalam yang sering kali mengalami malfungsi, belum lagi kondisi lingkungan yang tidak cooperative dengan perubahan, itu semua menjadi makanan sehari-hari "kami"....

akan tetapi, diluar semua itu, "kami" sadar akan tugas dan alasan "kami" berada di dunia ini,,tidak sedikit "teman-teman" "kami" yang gugur di tengah jalan, dibuang oleh keadaan, dan juga tidak sedikit dari "kami" yang telah mencapai tugasnya masing-masing...

"Awakening"

Just wanna share my experience on my awakening, from symptoms to step of awakening.

1. Changing sleep patterns: restlessness, hot feet, waking up two or three times a night. Feeling tired after you wake up and sleepy off and on during the day. There is something called the Triad Sleep Pattern that occurs for many: you sleep for about 2-3 hours, wake up, go back to sleep for another couple of hours, wake again, and go back to sleep again. For others, the sleep requirements have changed. You can get by on less sleep. Lately I have been experiencing huge waves of energy running into my body from the crown. It feels good, but it keeps me awake for a long time, then subsides. Advice: Get used to it. Make peace with it and don't worry about getting enough sleep (which often causes more insomnia). You will be able to make it through the day if you hold thoughts of getting just what you need. You can also request your Guardian to give you a break now and then and give you a good, deep night's sleep. If you can't go back to sleep right away, use the waking moments to meditate, write poetry, write in your journal or look at the moon. Your body will adjust to the new pattern.
2. Activity at the crown of the head: Tingling, itching, prickly, crawling sensations along the scalp and/or down the spine. A sense of energy vibrating on top of the head, as if energy is erupting from the head in a shower. Also the sensation of energy pouring in through the crown, described as "sprinkles". This may also be experienced as pressure on the crown, as if someone is pushing his/her finger into the center of your head. As I mentioned in 1, I have been experiencing huge downloads of energy through the crown. In the past, I have felt more generalized pressure, as if my head is in a gentle vise. One man related that his hair stood on end and his body was covered with goosebumps. Advice: This is nothing to be alarmed about. The sensations mean that you are opening up to receive divine energy.
3. Sudden waves of emotion. Crying at the drop of a hat. Feeling suddenly angry or sad with little provocation. Or inexplicably depressed. Then very happy. Emotional roller coaster. the chest. Advice: Accept your feelings as they come up and let them go. Feel the emotion. Expand it outward to your all your fields and breathe deeply from the belly all the way up to your upper chest. Just feel the feeling and let it evaporate on its own. Don't direct the emotions at anyone. You are cleaning out your past. If you want some help with this, say out loud that you intend to release all these old issues and ask your Guardian to help you. You can also ask Allah to help you release with ease and gentleness. Be grateful that your body is releasing these emotions and not holding onto them inside where they can do harm. One source suggests that depression is linked to letting go of relationships to people, work, etc. that no longer match us and our frequencies. When we feel guilty about letting go of these relationships, depression helps us medicate that pain.
4. Old "stuff" seems to be coming up, as described above, and the people with whom you need to work it out (or their clones) appear in your life. Completion issues. Or perhaps you need to work through issues of self-worth, abundance, creativity, addictions, etc. The resources or people you need to help you move through these issues start to appear. Advice: Same as 3. Additionally, don't get too involved in analyzing these issues. Examining them too much will simply cycle you back through them over and over again at deeper and deeper levels. Get professional help if you need to and walk through it. Do not try to avoid them or disassociate yourself from them. Embrace whatever comes up and thank it for helping you move ahead. Thank your Guardian for giving you the opportunity to release these issues. Remember, you don't want these issues to stay stuck in your body.
5. Changes in weight. Other people may be losing weight. We often gain weight because many fears we have suppressed are now coming up to the surface to be healed. We react by building up a defense. We also attempt to ground ourselves or provide bulk against increasing frequencies in our bodies. Advice: Don't freak out, but just accept it as a symptom of where you are right now. You will release/gain the weight when all your fears have been integrated. Release your anxiety about this. Then you might find it easier to lose/gain the weight eventually. Exercise. Before eating, try this: Sit at the table with an attractive place setting. Light a candle. Enjoy how the food looks. Place your dominant hand over your heart and bless the food. Tell your body that you are going to use the food to richly nourish it, but that you are not going to use the food to fulfill your emotional hungers. Then pass your hand from left to right over the food and bless it. You may notice that the food feels warm to your hand even if the food is cold-- I like to think that the food is good for me when it feels warm and nourishing to my hand. I have also noticed that when I practice blessing the food, I don't eat as much. It is important not to let yourself off the hook when you forget to bless the food before you eat. If I've forgotten and I've nearly finished eating, I bless the food anyway. That way I don't slip out of the habit. Another thing you can do is to stay present while eating -- don't watch TV or read. Heartily enjoy what blessings are before you.
6. Changes in eating habits: Strange cravings and odd food choices. Some find they are not as hungry as they used to be. Or hungrier. Advice: Don't deny what your body tells you it needs. If you are not sure, you might try muscle-testing before you chose a food to see if it's what your body wants. Also try blessing the food as described in 5.
7. Food intolerances, allergies you never had before: As you grow more spiritual, you are more sensitive to everything around you. Your body will tell you what it can no longer tolerate, as if it, too, is sloughing off what doesn't serve it anymore. You might be cleansing yourself of toxins. Some people find they often have a white residue in their mouth, much like that of runners at the end of a race.
8. Amplification of the senses. Increased sensitivity. Sight: Blurry vision, shimmering objects, seeing glittery particles, auras around people, plants, animals, and objects. Some report seeing formerly opaque objects as transparent. When you close your eyes, you no longer see darkness, but redness. You may also see geometric shapes or brilliant colors and pictures when eyes are closed. Colors appear more vivid -- the sky might look teal or the grass an amazing green. Often I see grids running across the ground. As you become more sensitive, you may see shapes or outlines in the air, especially when the room is almost dark. When your eyes are open or closed, you may see white shapes in your peripheral vision (these are your guides). Advice: Your vision is changing in many ways -- you are experiencing new ways of seeing. Be patient. Whatever you do, do not be afraid. Hazy vision maybe relieved by yawning. Hearing: Increased or decreased hearing. I once thought I would have to pull off the road because of the painfully amplified sound of my tires on the freeway. Other symptoms are hearing white noise in the head, beeps, tones, music or electronic patterns. Some hear water rushing, bees buzzing, whooshing, roaring or ringing. Others have what is called audio dyslexia-- you can't always make out what people are saying, as if you can no longer translate your own language. Some hear strange voices in their dreams, as if someone is hovering near them. You can either ask the presence(s) to leave or ask you're guardian to take care of the situation. Again, there is nothing to fear. Advice: Surrender to it. Let it come through. Listen. Your ears are adjusting to new frequencies. Enhanced senses of smell, touch, and/or taste. I notice I can now smell and taste chemical additives in some foods in a rather unpleasant manner. Other food may taste absolutely wonderful. For some people, these enhancements are both delightful and distracting. You might even smell the fragrance of flowers now and then. Many of the mystics did. Enjoy it.
9. Skin eruptions: Rashes, bumps, acne, hives, and shingles. Anger produces outbreaks around the mouth and chin. I had a dermatitis on my extremities for several months that accompanied healing an episode from my past. When I had worked through most of the issue, the condition was released. Advice: You may be sloughing off toxins and bringing emotions to the surface. When there is an issue to be released and you are trying to repress it, your skin will express the issue for you until you process the emotions. Work through your "stuff".
10. Episodes of intense energy which make you want to leap out of bed and into action. Followed by periods of lethargy and fatigue. The fatigue usually follows great shifts. This is a time of integration, so give into it. Advice: Roll with the nature of the energy. Don't fight it. Be gentle with yourself. Take naps if you are tired. Write your diary/journal if you are too energized to sleep. Take advantage of the type of energy.
11. Changes in prayer or meditation. Not feeling the same sensations as before. Not having the same experience of being in contact with God. Difficulty in focusing. Advice: You may be in more instant and constant communion with God now and the sensation may therefore be altered. You will adapt to this new feeling. You are actually thinking and acting in partnership with God most of the time now. You may find your meditation periods shorter.
12. Power surges: All of a sudden you are heated from head to toe. It is a momentary sensation, but uncomfortable. In contrast, some people have felt inexplicably cold. I have experienced both. More recently I experience waves or currents of energy rolling through me. Sometimes the energy seems so intense when it first comes into my body that I feel a little nauseated. But if I think of the energy as divine and let go of fear, I feel wonderful and enjoy the sensation. If you are an energy worker, you may have noticed that the heat running through your hands has increased tremendously. This is good. Advice: If you are uncomfortable, ask your Guardian, that if it be for your best and highest good, to turn down/up the temperature a bit.
13. A range of physical manifestations: Headaches, backaches, neck pains, flu-like symptoms (this is called vibrational flu), digestive problems, muscular spasms or cramps, racing heartbeat, chest pains, changes in sexual desire, numbness or pain in the limbs, and involuntary vocalizations or bodily movements. Some of us have even had old conditions from childhood reappear briefly for healing. Advice: Remember what I said about seeking medical help if you need it! If you have determined that this is not a medical condition, relax in the realization that it is only temporary.
14. Looking younger. Yippee! As you clear emotional issues and release limiting beliefs and heavy baggage from the past, you are actually lighter. Your frequency is higher. You love yourself and life more. You begin to resemble the perfect you that you really are.
15. Vivid dreams. Sometimes the dreams are so real that you wake up confused. You may even have lucid dreams in which you are in control. Many dreams may be mystical or carry messages for you. And in some dreams, you just know that you are not "dreaming" -- that what is happening is somehow real. Advice: You will remember what is important for you to remember. Don't force anything. Above all, stay out of fear.
16. Events that completely alter your life: death, losing someone precious, loss of home, illness, and/or other catastrophes -- sometimes several at once! Forces that cause you to slow down, simplify, change, re-examine who you are and what your life means to you. Forces that you cannot ignore. Forces that cause you release your attachments. Forces that awaken your sense of love and compassion for all.
17. A desire to break free from restrictive patterns, life-draining jobs consumptive lifestyles, and toxic people or situations. You feel a compelling need to "find yourself" and your life purpose -- now! You want to be creative and free to be who you really are. You might find yourself drawn to the arts and nature. You want to unclutter yourself from things and people that no longer serve you. Advice: Do it!
18. Emotional and mental confusion: A feeling that you need to get your life straightened out--it feels like a mess. But at the same time you feel chaotic and unable to focus. See 45. Advice: Put your ear to your heart and your own discernment will follow.
19. Introspection, solitude and loss of interest in more extroverted activities: This stage has come as a surprise to many extraverts who formerly saw themselves as outgoing and involved. They say, "I don't know why, but I don't like to go out as much as before."
20. Creativity bursts: Receiving images, ideas, music, and other creative inspirations at an often overwhelming rate. Advice: At least record these inspirations, for Guardian is speaking to you about how you might fulfill your purpose and contribute to the healing of the planet.(like when I write this post)
    
21. A perception that time is accelerating. It seems that way because you have had so many changes introduced into your life at an unprecedented rate. The number of changes seems to be growing. Advice: Breaking your day up into appointments and time segments increases the sense of acceleration .You can slow time down by relaxing into the present moment and paying attention to what's at hand, not anticipating what's ahead. Slow down and tell yourself that you have plenty of time. Ask your Higher Power to help you. Keep your focus on the present. Try to flow from one activity to the next. Stay tuned to your inner guidance. You can also warp time by asking for it. Next time you feel rushed, say, "Time warp, please. I need some more time to -----." Then relax.
22. A sense of impendingness. There is a feeling that something is about to happen. This can create anxiety. Advice: There is nothing to worry about. Things are definitely happening, but anxiety only creates more problems for you. All your thoughts -- positive or negative-- are prayers. There is nothing to fear.
23. Impatience. You know better, but sometimes you can't help it. You want to get on with what seems to be coming your way. Uncertainty is not comfortable. Advice: Learn to live with the uncertainty, knowing that nothing comes to you until you are ready. Impatience is really a lack of trust, especially trust in Allah. When you focus on the present, you will experience miracles -- yes, even in traffic.
24. A deep yearning for meaning, purpose, spiritual connection, and revelation. Perhaps an interest in the spiritual for the first time in your life. "Constant craving", as k.d. lang says. The material world cannot fulfill this longing. Advice: Follow your heart and the way will open up for you.
25. A feeling that you are somehow different. A disquieting sense that everything in your life feels new and altered, that you have left your old self behind. You have. You are much greater than you can possibly imagine. There is more to come.
26. "Teachers" appear everywhere with perfect timing to help you on your spiritual journey: people, books, movies, events, Mother Nature, etc. Teachers may appear to be negative or positive when you are trapped in polarity thinking, but, from a transcendent perspective, they are always perfect. Just what you need to learn from and move on. By the way, we never get more than we are ready to master. Each challenge presents us with an opportunity to show our mastery in passing through it.
27. You find a spiritual track that makes sense to you and "speaks to you" at the most profound levels. Suddenly you are gaining a perspective that you would never have considered before. You hunger to know more. You read, share with others, ask questions, and go inside to discover more about who you are and why you are here
28. You are moving through learning and personal issues at a rapid pace. You sense that you are "getting it" quite readily. Advice: Keep remembering that things will come to you when they are ready to be healed. Not sooner. Deal with whatever comes up with courage and you will move through the issues rapidly.
29. Invisible presences. Here is the woo-woo stuff. Some people report feeling surrounded by beings at night or having the sensation of being touched or talked to. Often they will wake with a start. Some also feel their body orbed vibrate. The vibrations are caused by energetic changes after emotional clearing has taken place. Advice: This is a sensitive topic, but you may feel better blessing your bed and space around it before you sleep. I rest assured that I am surrounded only by the most magnificent spiritual entities and am always safe in God's care. Sometimes, however, the fear gets to me, and I call in my Guardian. I don't beat myself up for being afraid sometimes. I forgive myself for not always sovereign at 3:00 a.m.
30. Portents, visions, "illusions", numbers, and symbols: Seeing things that have spiritual importance for you. Noticing how numbers appear synchronistically in your awareness. Everything has a message if you take the time to look. I enjoy the experience of "getting the messages." What fun!
31. Increased integrity: You realize that it is time for you to seek and speak your truth. It suddenly seems important for you to become more authentic, more yourself. You may have to say "no" to people whom you have tried to please in the past. You may find it intolerable to stay in a marriage or job or place that doesn't support who you are. You may also find there is nowhere to hide, no secrets to keep anymore. Honesty becomes important in all your relationships. Advice: Listen to your heart. If your guidance tells you not to do something, speak up and take action. Say "no". Likewise, you must also say "yes" to that which compels you. You must risk displeasing others without guilt in order to attain spiritual sovereignty.
32. Harmony with seasons and cycles: You are becoming more tuned to the seasons, the phases of the moon and natural cycles. More awareness of your place in the natural world. A stronger connection to the earth.
33. Electrical and mechanical malfunctions: When you are around, lightbulbs flicker, the computer locks up, or the radio goes haywire. Advice: Call on your Guardian to fix it or put up a field of protection around the machine.
    
34. Increased synchronicity and many small miracles. Look for more of these. Advice: Synchronistic events tell you if you are heading in the right direction or making the correct choices. Honor these clues and you cannot go astray. Spirit uses synchronicity to communicate to you. That's when you begin to experience daily miracles. See 30.
35. Increased intuitive abilities and altered states of consciousness: Thinking of someone and immediately hearing from them. More synchronicities. Having sudden insights about patterns or events from the past. Clairvoyance, out-of-body experiences, and other psychic phenomena. Intensified sensitivity and knowing. Awareness of one's essence and that of others.
    
36. Communication with spiritual being. Contact with angels and other divine entities. Channeling. More and more people seem to be given this opportunity. Feeling inspiration and downloading information that takes form as writing, painting, ideas, communications, dance, etc.
37. A sense of Oneness with all. A direct experience of this Wholeness. Transcendent awareness. Being flooded with compassion and love for all life. Compassionate detachment or unconditional love for all is what lifts us up to higher levels of consciousness and joy.
38. Moments of joy and bliss. A deep abiding sense of peace and knowing that you are never alone.
39. Integration: You become emotionally, psychologically, physically, and spiritually stronger and clearer. You feel as if you are in alignment with your True Self.
40. Living your purpose: You know you are finally doing what you came to earth for. New skills and gifts are emerging, especially healing ones. Your life/work experiences are now converging and starting to make sense. You are finally going to use them all. Advice: Listen to your heart. Your passion leads you to where you must go. Go within and ask your Guardian, "What is it you would have me do?" Watch for synchronicities. Listen.
41. Feeling closer to animals and plants. To some people, animals now seem to be more "human" in their behavior. Wild animals are less afraid. Plants respond to your love and attention more than ever. Some may even have messages for you.
42. Seeing beings of other dimensions. The veil between dimensions is thinner, so it is not surprising. Just stay in your sovereignty. You are more powerful than you can ever imagine, so do not entertain fear. Ask your guides for help if you slip into fear.
43. Seeing a person's true form or seeing loved ones with a different face -- past life or parallel life.
44. Physically manifesting thoughts and desires more quickly and efficiently. Advice: Monitor your thoughts. All thoughts are prayers. Be careful what you ask for.
45. Left -brain fogginess. Your psychic abilities, your intuitive knowing, your feeling and compassion, your ability to experience your body, your visioning, your expressiveness all emanate from the right brain. In order for this side of the brain to develop more fully, the left brain must shut down a little bit. Normally the left-hemisphere's capacity for order, organization, structure, linear sequencing, analysis, evaluation, precision, focus, problem-solving, and mathematics dominate our often less-valued right brain. What results are memory lapses, placing words in the wrong sequence, inability or no desire to read for very long, inability to focus; forgetting what you are just about to say; impatience with linear forms of communication (audio or written formats); a feeling of spaciness, being scattered; losing interesting research or complex information; feeling bombarded with words and talk and information; and a reluctance to write. Sometimes you feel dull and have no interest in analysis, lively intellectual discussion, or investigation. On the other hand, you might find yourself drawn to the sensate: videos, magazines with photos, beautiful artwork, movies, music, being with people, gardening, walking, and other kinesthetic forms of expression. You may search for spiritual content, even science fiction. Advice: You may discover that if you allow your heart and your right brain to lead you, the left will then be activated appropriately to support you. And someday we will be well-balanced, using both hemispheres with mastery.
46. Dizziness. This occurs when you are ungrounded. Perhaps you have just cleared a big emotional issue and your body is adjusting to your "lighter" state. Advice: Ground yourself by eating protein. Sometimes "comfort food" feels right. Don't make any food right or wrong for you. Use your guidance to know what you need at any given moment. Take your shoes off and put your feet in the grass for a couple of minutes.
47. Falling, having accidents, breaking bones. Your body is not grounded or perhaps your life is out of balance. Or your body may be telling you to slow down, examine certain aspects of your life, or heal certain issues. There is always a message. When I recently broke my ankle, I understand that my ankle was taking on what I myself refused to deal with. And that was all of the above. Advice: Stay grounded by taking your shoes off and putting your feet in the grass; even better, lie down on the grass without a blanket under you. Feel the earth beneath you. Get out in nature. Slow down and pay attention. Be mindful about what you are doing. Feel your feelings when they come up. Stay in the present. Surround yourself with blue light when you are feeling shaky.
48. Heart palpitations. A racing heart usually accompanies a heart opening. It only lasts for a few moments and means that the heart is re-balancing itself after an emotional release. I had one episode that terrified me: I woke up in the middle of the night, my heart pounding. I thought it was going to come right out of my chest. It only happened once and was, I understand. But I did check it out. There is nothing wrong with my heart. Advice: Remember what I said about getting medical attention when needed. Consult your doctor about any conditions you are not comfortable with.
49. Faster hair and nail growth. More protein is being used in the body. Too bad we can't tell the body where to grow the hair and where not to grow it. (Or can we? Hmmm.)
50. A desire to find your soulmate or twin flame. More than ever before, the idea that we can have a relationship that matches who we are seems more desirable. Advice: The truth is, we have to be the kind of person we want to attract. We have to love ourselves and where we are right now before we can attract a more "perfect" mate. The work begins at home. Here is how I think it works: Hold the desire for this person in your heart, but without attachment. Expect that someday you will meet someone who is more suited to you, but let go of any expectations as to who this will be and how it will happen. Focus instead on cleaning up your own life and being the kind of person you want to be. Be happy now. Enjoy your life. Then you may see.....
51. Memories surface. Body memories, suppressed memories, images of past lives and/or parallel lives. We are healing and integrating all our "selves", so expect to have some of these experiences. Advice. Keep in mind that it is best to recall what only what comes to mind, leave the rest alone, don't analyze everything to death (because you will be stuck in the tape loop of infinite issues to process), and feel your feelings as they come up. Ask for help from your Guardian.

well, that's it, my experience on my awakening that happen 1 year ago. If you don't understand any about this or you wanna ask something about it, you can ask me.

Bulan Baru?

Post PERTAMAXX gw di bulan Juni


ada apa di bulan yg baru?? harapan untuk lebih baik dari bulan kemaren? resolusi baru? or harapan2 lainnya??

well, nothing too special for me in this month...just your normal day...

cuma ada beberapa orang yang merasa punya masalah en gw mencoba untuk membantu sebisa gw,,seperti biasa, jgn pendem masalah tuh sendiri,,bwt apa ada temen???


well,,cm pesen satu hal aja bwt siapapun,,klo misalnya butuh bantuan gw secara pribadi menerima dengan tangan terbuka en menerima kapan saja.....That's what friend for isn't it?

en, klo lu ngerasa klo lu kurang pantes..maka, bwt diri lu pantes bwt dia....meet up "it's/him/her/whatever expectation....because it's for you're goodsake too...

"Friends"

"Friends"

by: Stephanie
Mobile Suit Gundam 00 2nd Ending

While we wore the same smiles,
We passed through the years together.
The sceneries kept changing,
And we struggled to accept it.

I throw away my useless pride.
May kindness come to this world.

I Gotta Say
Even if I show off my bravery and my strength,
I can't survive alone.
Our promise from that day,
It remains firmly in my heart, even now.

New encounters come after each farewell.
I find light down a new path, and move on.
Since the day I was born,
That has been the way my life is molded.

Before we realized it,
We have both found our own futures.

I Gotta Say
Even if you are far away where I can't meet you,
There's a resilient bond between us.
"May my dreams come true."
I am praying from the bottom of my heart.
We're friends forever.
We pledged to meet again someday,
Crossed our little fingers,
And set out that day,
For unseen destinations,
And though we may be lost,
We are making progress,
Always.

Through the changing seasons,
And this fleeting moment,
I listen to these nostalgic melodies.
Even when I become an adult,
Some things won't fade,
Like our precious memories.

I Gotta Say
Even if I show off my bravery and my strength,
I can't survive alone.
Our promise from that day,
It remains firmly in my heart.

As life goes on...
I mustn't forget, yeah.
Don't let it go...
I remember this vast land and my friends.

this song...jadi gambaran gw waktu dulu.....

Unending Change For The Future

sudah hampir 1 tahun sejak gw melepas semuanya dan terlepas dari segala kebingungan yang gw alami.....

tapi,,,kebingungan itu muncul lagi...dalam bentuk yang tidak kita harapkan...

sebuah hal yang awalnya menjadi salah satu motivasi utamaku untuk menjalani hidup berubah menjadi kendala dalam hidup(lagi....)

it's all about my family....the problem is, am i can accept things like this or deniy it and keep change the situation with force??


di dunia ini kita tak bisa hidup tanpa berubah,,terutama berubah dalam jiwa..kadang-kadang perubahan itu membawa ketenangan bagi kita tapi kadang-kadang juga perubahan itu juga membuat kita terhenti dalam hidup...ya, aku seorang yang mudah terpengaruh dengan masalahku sendiri,,seseorang yang mudah "down" karena suatu musibah..aku tahu aku harus bisa terlepas dari aemua itu tapi aku belum siap (atau aku yang tidak berusaha untuk menyiapakan diriku untuk perubahan itu)...


Time Change Everything In This World....that's one thing for sure....

Motivation Picture (Part 1)

cm sharing bbrp Motivational Picture yg gw dapet dr inet.......




sekian bwt kali ini



to be continued......

SD Gundam G Generation Wars

ada PR baru nih bwt ntar summer

SD Gundam G Generation Wars

Publisher : Namco Bandai
Platform : Wii, Playstation 2
Genre : Simulation RPG
Origin : Japan
Release : Summer

en seri2 yang bakal muncul lumayan banyak hampir 30 seri!! en ktnya ada sekitar 700 chara+MS yg bakal muncul!


seri2 yg bakal muncul:
Mobile Suit Gundam
Mobile Suit Zeta Gundam
Mobile Suit Gundzm ZZ
Mobile Suit Gundam: Char's Counter Attack(Nu + Sazabi en Hi-Nu bakal muncul lagi!!)
Mobile Suit Gundam 0080: War In The Pocket(ahh..Kaemphfer)
Mobile Suit Gundam 0083: Stardust Memory(Dendrobium anyone?)
Mobile Suit Gundam: 08th MS Team
Mobile Suit Gundam F91
Mobile Suit Victory Gundam(Hell Yeah!! V2 Assault Buster!!)
Mobile Fighter G Gundam(bakal ribut lagi nih game ma suara teriakan si Domon ma Master Asia)
Mobile Suit Gundam Wing
Mobile Suit Gundam Wing: Endless Waltz (Wing Zero Custom.....)
Mobile Suit Gundam: After War Gundam X
Turn A Gundam(The most powerful en the most weird gundam design ever. Codename: Pa Raden Gundam...Moonlight Butterfly anyone??)
Mobile Suit Gundam SEED (Yesus Yamato is back....)
Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Destiny (en the idiot Shin is back too)
Mobile Suit Gundam SEED C.E. 73 STARGAZER
Mobile Suit Gundam 00 (bakal jadi debut pertamanya nih di dunia game,,ditunggu 00 Raiser nya)
Mobile Suit Gundam Sentinel
Mobile Suit Gundam MS Igloo : The Hidde One Year War
Mobile Suit Gundam MS Igloo : Apocalypse 0079
Advance of Z
Mobile Suit Crossbone Gundam
Mobile Suit Crossbone Gundam: Skull Heart
Mobile Suit Crossbone Gundam: Steel 7
Mobile Suit Gundam: Hathaway's Flash
MSV
Mobile Suit Gundam F90
Mobile Suit Gundam Silhouette F91
Gundam Senki

satu hal yg jadi keinginan gw di game ini,,yaitu Haro systemnya diilangin,,kaya di seri sebelumnya yg Generation Spirit, dapetin char utamanya susah edan!!,,bwt grafisnya sih ada penigkatan juga dri seri sebelumnya,,en keliatan lebih halus+detail....en bwt releasenya ngeliat jadawalnya summer so, sekitar Juni-september ntar...ngga nahan!!!

tapi ngeliat skrinsut2nya beer2 bikin gw ngiler....(WARNING!! BW KILLER!!)